


What could have been

by PseftisIncertus



Category: Phan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 11:46:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14056305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseftisIncertus/pseuds/PseftisIncertus
Summary: This is Dan's version of the story and can be considered as part 2 of Love you more games.





	What could have been

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, it's been a long time. I can't promise I'd be more active but here is my promise. Dan's version of the story.

Remember the 'I love you more games?' I guess you won . . . .

 

I never imagined things would end up like this . . .

Nor did I expected any of these from happening . . . .

Years ago, we were just complete strangers who happen to find each other on the internet. You were my idol, my favorite, my youtube senpai. Before, I was just like everyone else, just another fan, but then you noticed me.

You changed me.

When I met you, I was so happy. I never knew that was possible? To contain so much happiness at the thought of seeing someone. I remember seeing you waiting for me, and how your face glow when you saw me. And I was shaking, that is Phil Lester, AmazingPhil right infront of me. I was so grateful.

After that meeting, who would have thought that we would be here now. We had a tour, we had our own book, a radio show, millions of fans and us,

We had each other Phil . . .

We had everything.

I remember how we both looked back at everything we were able to achieve. We never really thought it was possible. We did everything together Phil, we were inseparable. It was all thanks to you, you were the reason I am here.

I struggled with my college life and everything else that happened in the past years. You saw the ugliest side of me, the sad and confused me, the unlovable me, and yet you never left, you remained by my side and comforted me, supported me in every step of the way. You never fail to make me smile when all my world was tumbling down.

You were truly amazing.

I went through a lot and that made me a better person. A lot of people would say that my smile grew more, I became more confident and I was happier than I ever was. I was changed by you.

I don't know what I could do to thank you for everything that you have done for me. You were a bright and energetic person. I didn't want you to change. I wanted you as you are. Because that was what made you AmazingPhil, the Phil that everyone loved.

We both became happier in each other's presence in our lives and we would forever be thankful.

I have always loved you Phil. Always. Not from the moment I saw you on the internet but in the moments you were there for me. You could have easily left, went on with your life without worrying about me, but you stayed. You carried the burden with me and said you wouldn't want it any other way.

You were my best friend.

Best friend?

I looked at you again. I know deep inside of me you were more than that.

Phil, I love you . . .

I imagine saying those words and how I would be flooded in tears of joy if ever you said you love me too. But it was never that easy. Believe me, I was struggling to keep my feelings to myself, to keep it hidden and unnoticed.

So I did what I could to stop myself from falling even more. I was afraid of how you would see me, I was afraid what the audience might say.

They might see right through me, and god I was so afraid.

The world isn't that kind Phil, it never were.

So for years, I tried to hide it. I try to distract myself and hang out with other people. I try to be as far away from you as possible, from your gaze, from your loving gestures, from everything. It was killing me.

The world isn't going to give you everything.

Its simple, you get something in exchange for the other. Because you can't have it all, right? This isn't a fairy tale. If it was, then I know you'll be my happy ending.

But Phil, you see, that is not our case.

I was happy to have you, even for a brief moment. That was all I asked for, to be beside you, to be there for you as you did with me. I won't ask for anything more.

It was always clear to me, you were the sun and I was the moon. No matter how we struggled we can't exist in the same place. I was your best friend and it would remain that way, I had to accept the painful truth.

I was succeeding in some way, in this cruel plan that is taking every bit of my shattered heart. I was looking for someone that I can drag in this hell hole I made for myself. I can't be with you Phil, I know I wouldn't be the right person you would like to spend the rest of your life with.

Phil, when I say I love you, please believe me, please know that I truly do, that it kills me to have to break our ties. I was a sad person, cruel and pitiful. I would take every bit of life from you just to fix myself and god I would never do that to you. I was still broken Phil, and this time, I won't let you fix me.

I have decided, and took everything I had to bury the feelings I had for you. Phil, I love you so much that I was willing to see you with someone else if it means that you would still be you. That you would smile and laugh your heart out. That you would always be the AmazingPhil that I loved.

We can never control the would we inflict to another.

It was the moment of truth.

I was trying to be happy. Trying to be the me you have fixed. Showing those fake smiles I effortlessly display. It was easy to fool people with the words you say, with the way you control your actions. But it was never easy to fool yourself, to try and believe in something that you know is not true, "I don't love Phil", "I only see him as a friend". It was physically breaking me apart.

So there we were, dressed in tuxedo, waiting for my bride.

I was trying to hold up myself and look like the guy everyone assumed I was, happy and anxious. I was wearing a smile and trying to compose myself. I was distracting myself, not able to look at you Phil, I couldn't.

"She look so beautiful", I whispered. You looked at me, I didn't look back. I was much of a coward to see how you would look at me. Your eyes can reveal what you feel inside and I was afraid to see what it could be. So I stared at her as she approached the aisle.

I took her hand and led her infront of the priest. And with that I stood by my conviction. It was too late to turn back now. It was all or nothing. I made a choice.

"I'm sorry Phil" was the only thing on my mind, I'm sorry for destroying all your hard work in fixing me only to destroy it right infront of your eyes. But can you see it? Can you see how much I was breaking?

Phil, the love story between us that never happened will all be part of my dreams, the dreams that I will be holding onto to survive each day, days without you, days you will be spending looking for someone else, days you would be happy with someone else.

I would love to see you waiting for me in this aisle Phil, I would love to know how you would look like waiting for me, holding my hand, pressing your lips onto mine. I would love to be yours.

But this is how we ended.

And as I kiss her and face the crowd . . .

I'm letting you go Phil, because you deserve so much more and I'll be here left with nothing but . . . . . .

 

What could have been.


End file.
